Ye Olde Parody of a Legolas Romance
by DDR Freak
Summary: A Mary-Sue has travelled from Rivendell to Mirkwood in the span of three minutes. Our poor, poor, elf is instantly smitten. Oh, the horrors! This is a parody. I repeat, this is a parody. It is not serious.
1. Default Chapter

Ye Olde Parody of a Legolas Romance  
  
By: DDR Freak  
  
[A/N- I don't own-- You know I'm really tired of this. If any of you people think that I am actually Tolkien (he's dead, you know), or anybody like that, you need to get your head checked.]  
  
And so the Story begins. Depicted within these ancient scrolls are the years when Mary-Sues thrived in even the most protected of places. Lothlorien, Rivendell, Greenwood the Great, all of them fell before the might of the Mary-Sues. But, despite all, hope remained. But, here, within the grasps of the Story, the Fangirl's word was Law. This is the stuff that nightmares are made of-the stuff that makes even the hardened warriors of the Fellowship shiver on their beds muttering 'Can't sleep, Mary-sues will eat me.' Especially Legolas. (Poor, poor elf.) So let us journey into the heart of these Stories, to its Beginning and End. But, before we do, bear in mind that if ever another like this is written, aside from parody or the such, Tolkien shall come like a mother bear and kill us all. (I'm surprised he hasn't already.) And, without further delay, I bring you--  
  
The Pet Cemetery  
  
[We are sorry for the fault in the title. Those responsible have been sacked.]  
  
The Star of Middle-Earth  
  
'Twas the night before Christmas, when a duck hit the sled. Santa fell out, and fell on his head. [We're sorry for the fault in the story. Those who just sacked those who were just sacked have been sacked.] Once upon a time, in the mallorn woods of Lothlorien, there was an elf more beautiful than any other was. That includes Luthien Tinuviel, whom is conveniently forgotten in this story. Her name was Itelandogineandijalvldnflajelkrmddfmea, but she was called Leia. Leia was the pride and joy of Galadriel, for, although her real parents had orphaned Leia, she was found within Galadriel's realm, and thus she was adopted. Leia grew to be great not only in mind, but in physical beauty and strength. Her eyes were like fire, and her hair sparkled with the brilliance of 123436120347451932467.983493 stars. (You know, a buncha stars are REALLY bright. It really hurts to look at her, because you get a big light right in the face.) Her voice was like mithril bells chiming in a misty morning when the sun had barely risen over the beautiful forest of Lorien on a midsummer morning's eve. (Whoosh! Run-on sentence! Must-catch- breath!) When she sang, all the animals were enthralled by her voice, but that was only because the Story told them to be. (Those baby rabbits got way more cuddles than what was good for them.) She was related to Elrond, who was her brother-in-law. The only elven royal family whom she was not related to (ignoring all those little ones) was the royal family of Mirkwood, otherwise known as Greenwood the Great. But, the author didn't know that. It's Mirkwood. Joy to the world. Anyway, back to the story. Leia had decided to ride out on the little-known brother of Shadowfax, Dbaeoiaebrodfadsfhoelnfdgfaovjladfoiefadsjghabuholenlrhadsofielfduh, but Leia called him Bob. Leia rode Bob far and wide, and in the space of three minutes they reached Mirkwood. Incredible. Inside the forest she rode decently undisturbed, until she came to a place near where Legolas was hunting. Then, she fell off Bob (which is impossible for an elf, and because, since Dbaeoiaebrodfadsfhoelnfdgfaojladfoiefadsjghabuholenlrhadsofielfduh is the brother of Shadowfax, we assume that he has the same abilities as he. Shadowfax won't let you fall off unless you jump. So, Dbaeoiaebrod- whatever wouldn't let you fall, either) and landed on the ground. She was promptly attacked by orcs. Amazing. (That's also impossible, as it is EXTRAORDINARILY unlikely that any orc would get past the guards, and even if a few did, Legolas would've noticed.) Sadly, Legolas came to the rescue.  
  
Legolas came through the brush, in all his incredibly cute graceful elvishness, and shot all the orcs like a good little plot device. Of course, his little show only advanced the plot that was barely there in the first place. "Are you hurt, my lady?" he asked, using those wonderful elven manners. (Ok, so technically the manners aren't necessarily elvish.) "Good sir, where is this? It does not look like Imladris," Leia rhymed, not answering his question in the least. Now, you didn't have to be a genius to figure out that this was Mirkwood. Really. Mirkwood is a big, dark forest with enormous hairy spiders. It's really, really hard to miss. But, of course, our local Mary-Sue was an intellectual dwarf. (A/N- There is no offense to the dwarves intended by this comment.) Legolas, the poor elf, was instantly smitten. It pains all decent Legolas fans and Tolkien admirers to nearly the breaking point. The poor, poor elf didn't stand a chance. Once the Sue started her half-elvish princess routine, she had him wound around her pinky finger. It just works that way. It really sucks, but it works that way. So, Legolas begged her to come with him to his father's palace. She, of course, agreed. Legolas picked her up (even though she was a lot heavier than she looked), and ran off in his wonderfully sexy elvishness to his father's place.  
  
The next chapter will be up approximately whenever I feel like it. Tune in next time for The Star of Middle-Earth, and Ye Olde Parody of a Legolas Romance! 


	2. Chapter 2

[A/N- I don't own Lord of the Rings. Happy now?] [I have to thank the insane and sarcastic voice in my head for helping me write this chapter.]  
  
Legolas carried Leia all the way to Thranduil's palace. It was a long way, but, since Leia was a Mary-Sue, she just twisted geography and had the palace be about twelve steps away. (She also made Tolkien writhe and thrash in his grave, but we won't go into that now.) She was greeted not-so-warmly by Thranduil. The Author of this wonderful (cough) story made him out to be a rather nasty elf king with really no personality. (I think Tolkien just screamed in his grave. Amazing how you can hear it so clearly, even though he's underneath six feet of dirt.) Leia, of course, was incredibly and nauseatingly polite and sweet. (Oh my god, it's little Nell from the Curiosity Shop!) The rest of Mirkwood's population loved her. (Wow, I never saw that coming.) They greeted her like she was Yavanna or somebody like that.  
  
Well, things calmed down after a while (if you exclude the screams of torment coming from Tolkien), until Thranduil sent Legolas to Imladris. Then, any shred of decency was shot dead. (Not like there was much to kill.) Legolas and Leia set out at once. In the span of five minutes they were attacked by random orcs. Yes, random orcs. Mary-Sues just attract them like magnets. Legolas killed them all, (just like a good plot device) and Leia melodramatically thanked him. (Wow, that's a surprise.) To all the readers' immense horror, Leia gave 'her' prince an incredibly tacky necklace. It had sapphires, rubies, emeralds, and opals on an intricate design of ivy leaves made of mithril. It had a fine mithril chain with an ornate clasp. It was almost too tacky to look at. It was also enough to make a dwarf drool. Nevertheless, poor Legolas was forced to wear it, and actually like it. He thanked her and they were off to Rivendell again.  
  
They arrived in two minutes. (That's just sad.)  
  
When the prince of Mirkwood and the Sue arrived, Lord Elrond himself greeted them. He was seemingly delighted to see her, but he saw her for what she was. His ring, Vilya, shielded him from some of the Mary-Sue's power. (Well, at least someone has some sense in this insane asylum!) Legolas was shown to his room. Leia had been commanded by Lord Elrond to stay. He wanted a word with her. Actually, he wanted more than just a word.  
  
"You bring a great shadow to Imladris," Elrond began.  
  
"I know," Leia said in a soft voice. "I know that my powers are poison to the world."  
  
"???.??.?" Elrond was confused enough to say a word that consisted of only punctuation. (I wish I could do that.) Before he could say another word, Leia burst out crying and ran away, leaving Elrond even more confused than he already was.  
  
Leia ran to Legolas's room, expecting comfort from the prince. She ran into the room, and flung herself into his arms. (Then, we all threw up, more disgusted than we had ever been in our lives.) An incredibly sappy love scene ensued , and the decent Tolkien fans all reached for their sick bags. (And in the real Lord of the Rings, Legolas read this fanfiction, cried, and joined a nunnery.)  
  
Sadly, they had the Council that day. No one really knew why, but Elrond suspected it had something to do with Leia. He was right. (Mary- Sues are so incredibly impatient.)  
  
Leia sat by the Rivendell elves. She looked astoundingly pompous and annoying. (What else is new?) No one was really surprised. Some of the elves began to speak of her amazing splendor and grace. In reality, of course, they wouldn't care. They only brought it up because of Author whim, and because it made Leia look better.  
  
"Strangers from distant lands, friends of old. You have been summoned to answer the threat of Mordor," Elrond said. "Middle-Earth stands upon the brink of destruction. None can escape it. You will unite, or you will fall. Each race is bound by this fate, this one doom. Bring forth the Ring." (His lines--they weren't butchered! It's a miracle!)  
  
"'Tis a gift," Boromir whispered. "A gift to Mordor's enemies! Why not use this Ring? My father, Gondor's Steward, long hath he kept your lands safe by the blood of our people. Give the Ring to Gondor!"  
  
For whatever reason, the Author decided to have Boromir use SOE [Sucky Olde English], and be the egotistical jerk of the story.  
  
"Son of Denethor, you cannot wield it!" Leia cried, and stood up. "Only Sauron commands the Ring. You would be destroyed if you took it!" (She stole Aragorn's lines. Why do they always steal people's lines?) Aragorn looked a bit disgruntled until the Story found out. Then, any trace of canon was gone. Leia still stood, in all of her radiant and insanely irritating Mary-Sue-ness.  
  
"What would a woman know of these matters?" Boromir shot back. (Ouch. Boromir's now also the Sexist Jerk. Normally Gimli is the Sexist Jerk.) The Battle of the Sexes had begun.  
  
"I'll have you know any that women will so can be more but powerful as intelligent than any men!" Leia retorted. (I'll give you twenty bucks if you can puzzle that one out.)  
  
"You, of all women, would know less of all!" Boromir cried. (Go Boromir!)  
  
This continued on (in generally the same direction) for way too long. It was really just insult after insult. (They weren't really all that insulting, either.) It did, however, eventually end. Gandalf was forced to put an end to it.  
  
"Stop! You're all acting like jerks!" Gandalf cried, completely out of character. (Whoa, did Gandalf just use modern slang?) This put an-er- interesting end to the argument.  
  
Suddenly, things went from insanely bad to even worse. Someone fell from the sky. Another Mary-Sue landed in the Council of Elrond.  
  
"Dear Valar," Elrond murmured, and watched the Sue fall in front of him. She was human, of course, and a beautiful one at that.  
  
"W.where am I?" she asked, looking innocently at the Council members. Her auburn hair gleamed in the sunlight. Her name was Kaiyukisaukuranaomaisuma, but she was called Kai. Kai was just an ordinary girl from modern-day earth, except whenever she was in trouble, she used her mystical, all-powerful pendant to transform into--- Sailor Pinksparklehappydayslovelyladyglitter, the Japanese Anime ninja! Oh, the horror. First there was the incredibly beautiful elven princess from Lothlorien, now there's a Japanese Anime ninja.  
  
Tune in next time for 'The Star of Middle-earth' and 'Ye Olde Parody of a Legolas Romance!' 


End file.
